26 things

“Let us never know what old age is. Let us know the happiness time brings, not count the years.” Ausonius

So in a week I’ll be turning 27! It slightly terrifies me that I’ve reached that point of my life where I’m much closer to 30 than 20. I am officially no longer in my early twenties 😫 but hey, with age comes wisdom… right?!!

Anyway, I’m always pretty hard on myself for a number of reasons, and I began to think of all the things I’ve actually learnt in 26 years, so here goes!

1. Trust your instinct. It is almost always right!!

2. It’s completely okay to not always want to engage with people. Realising I love my own company was a game changer!

3. Don’t compare yourself to anyone. Everyone takes a different path in life. Just cause Linda from accounts says she was married and had 2 kids by your age, doesn’t mean you have to

4. Social media is not real life! Everyone portrays their life as wonderful roses, myself included, but the reality is some days I eat beige as hell dinners and don’t get out of my unicorn pyjamas, but somehow that doesn’t make the Instagram cut!

5. Saying no is okay. This one has taken me a long while to realise! It’s okay to say no to people, it doesn’t make you a bad person.

6. Be nice. While it’s okay to say no, being nice costs nothing and will always pay off in the end. While we all know that Linda from accounts child makes cookies that taste like utter shite, it’s probably best not to say that.

7. Money isn’t everything. Of course I’d rather be crying in a Ferrari, but it isn’t everything. If you’re surrounded by those you love and whom love you, that is worth so much more.

8. Don’t stay in a job you hate! I did it for three years, it made me miserable. Find something you love, it makes the 6am wake up slightly more bareable!

9. Not everyone will like you. You can’t please everyone all of the time, so stop trying!

10. Plastic surgery is okay. If you want something that’s going to make you happy, and you can afford to do it, then do it! Botox has changed my life 😍 I always felt so uncomfortable when people asked if I’d had it done. Now I’m like yeah I did, and it’s made me happy. So what.

11. It is okay to spend more than £5 on a bottle of wine. The thought of this at university would have horrified me, but I’ve come to realise the highest alcoholic content for the lowest price is not the best method.

12. Cups of tea solve most issues in life. Feeling blue? Cuppa tea. Broken up? Cuppa tea. Lost your job? Cuppa tea.

13. Porn is completely okay. As is enjoying sex. I refuse to be embarrassed of these, and neither should you!

14. Feminism is not a dirty word. Wanting to be considered equal to men is not something anyone should be ashamed of.

15. It’s okay to admit if you’re struggling. Most people have at one point in their life, you’re not alone.

16. Don’t overpluck your eye brows! You’ll end up walking round with a driving license for 10 years that makes you look like an alien.

17. Never settle. Everyone deserves nothing but the best, don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t.

18. Valencia filter on instagram is everything.

19. Your friends are the family that you choose. You can’t pick your family, but you do get to pick your friends, and if you’re lucky you consider them as part of your family.

20. Beige dinners are the ultimate comfort food, but vegetables are important. If I had my way I’d live on turkey dinosaurs forever, but 1. Jamie Oliver might have me put down, 2. I might die of heart failure. Eat the vegetables for crying out loud.

21. There is no better feeling in life than; shaved legs and clean bed sheets.

22. It’s completely acceptable to like dogs more than some humans (all humans…)

23. Friends will come and go. Just because you’ve known someone forever doesn’t mean that they are a valuable friend, just as someone you’ve known for a short time can be an added delight.

24. Take time for you. Even it’s an hour getting your nails done each week. It’s time well spent!

25. Learning to love yourself is hard. It’s necessary but it’s a hard lesson to learn!

26. Don’t be afraid to tell those you love them. I always say I love you to my friends and family when I finish on the phone with them, and when I leave.

So that’s it! A list of things I’ve learnt over my 26 years. Now I’m going to cry into my wine at the prospect of being that bit closer to 30 😫

Adulting is hard

“Another belief of mine; that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.”

Margaret Atwood

Wow. It has been a very very long time since I have posted on here. Honestly I think I just fell out of love with blogging a bit, but I’m ready to write again and it feels awesome.

What I’ve really discovered since being is away is just how hard it is to be an adult!! No one ever really tells you this do they? I think back to when you’re at school wasting my life on learning Pythagoras, I mean really who has used that since, and can’t help but think I could have done with some actual life skills. I’ve no idea how to change a tyre or how mortgages work, but shit me it was imperative I knew how to work out the length of a side of a triangle! *side note – still not really sure if that’s even Pythagoras?!

But in all seriousness; I spent 5 years at senior school, 3 at college and 3 at university and now I’m nearly 27 years old and I have no clue what I’m doing with my life.

I like my job and I’m bloody good at my job. Is it what I want to do with the rest of my life? Fuck knows. Does anyone really know what you can see yourself doing 40 odd hours a week until you’re able to retire? If you do, answers on a postcard please! I do know that really we all work to live, not live to work, but it’s still tough. I’ve got friends who adore their jobs and I feel so much envy. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be that girl.

Another thing that I wish I’d been taught at school was how to organise money. Given the amount of ASOS parcels I have delivered a week, you and my postman would be forgiven for thinking I’m a multimillionaire. Unfortunately I’m not, which honestly I feel is a great shame, but you have to roll with the cards you’ve been handed in life. Nonetheless, I’m at a stage in my life where really I should be able to buy a house but I can’t because honestly I’m poor as shit. I mean not like I’m stealing beans from Lidl poor, but I don’t have a deposit saved. I could probably have saved for one twice over if it wasn’t for all of the aforementioned parcels, but I’ve never pulled my finger out my arse. Honestly the whole thing scares me a bit because I’ve not got a clue about mortgages or ISA’s or anything really remotely helpful when considering a house.

Dating and love is the next thing on my list. I’m not talking flour bag babies and putting condoms on bananas, as useful as that was for someone without a penis and no interest in having children. But, I mean how to cope with being alone or what kind of things to say on a date. I’m nearly 27 and I still do that hideous awkward laugh as I go on my 15th Tinder date, hoping for the best this time. I just wish I’d been better prepared for the level of ghosting and one night stands I’d be in for, I’d probably be a bit less broken if I had.

Lastly on my list; confidence. For anyone who knows me or if you’ve read anything I’ve written, I’m great at pretending to be full of confidence, but inside I’m very insecure. I look at Instagram and see all of these wonderfully skinny and pretty girls and this fuels the fire of not being good enough. Which part of me knows is crazy because who really puts pictures of their double chins online, we all know it’s about good lighting and filters!

In all seriousness; I just wish someone had taught me it’s okay to be chunky but funky. It’s okay to be one of the lads but also a girly girl. It’s okay to be you and confident as hell with it.

So essentially what I’m trying to say is; adulting is hard. And I’m not even a real adult 😂

2017 reflections

“With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” Eleanor Roosevelt.

Wow. I cannot believe it has been 5 months since I last wrote anything. It’s amazing how quickly time seems to move these days. But I’m still here, still lost, but muddling through. Since I last posted a lot has changed; I started my new job properly which I love, I had a proper boyfriend, I no longer have said proper boyfriend, I went on two holibobs, I survived hurricane Irma in the Dominican and finally started to understand who I want in my life and more importantly who I don’t. The boyfriend thing too me massively by surprise if I am honest. I knew pretty much from day one it wasn’t going to work, but I so wanted to convince myself and everyone around me that it would. With reflection I’m a fucking moron, but at the time it seemed to make a lot of sense in my head. I’ve never been that person, I’ve never needed to be with someone or try and prove to others that I can be in a relationship. But in all seriousness, I don’t want to make it seem like he was a bad person. Also just realised that sentence made him sound like he’s dead 😂 to clarify; he is alive and not a bad person, we were just incredibly different people with VERY different ideas about life. I truly do believe that everything happens for a reason though, so I don’t regret anything really. After ending my short lived attempt at adult relationships I also decided it was time to revaluate the people in my life. And I’m not just talking about a Facebook friend clean out. Although, that said I do enjoy a good one of these! I took time to really consider those around me; who actually adds value to my life, who do I genuinely care for and who is just there to like my selfies. It’s fair to say I’ve removed a fair few people from life, all for the better in my opinion. I really feel like 2017 was the year I started to get my mental health and life under control more than ever. And for that I’m really proud of myself. And better still; I finally finally realised that the boy I wrote about in my first ever piece ain’t worth shit. It’s only taken nearly 3 years, but I’m there.

<<<
s the year draws to a close (literally in 15 minutes for me!) I guess it's time to summarise; I'm still a mess, slightly less of one who knows what she wants from life, so I guess that's something. Happy new year everyone whatever you do 💕

Growing up is a trap. 

“It is not possible to go forward while looking back.” Ludwig Mies van der Rohe

For some reason recently I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting, on decisions I’ve made, on my regrets and what I want from life. It’s a weird old thing really. I don’t know if it’s because I’m 26 soon and it’s the dreaded “wrong side of your twenties” or maybe I’m just a hormonal mess. Probably a mix of the two to be fair. 

I have always been a firm believer of everything happens for a reason and never really understood those who looked back all the time. I’ve always thought that if you’re looking back you can’t move forward. But lately I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about who I’ve become and the decisions I’ve made. As I mentioned on my last post, I got a new job which I love, but I was recently made redundant. It sucked. Big time. I thankfully got a new role within the business and I really hope it works out. At the moment, it really feels like it won’t and I’ve been wondering if I should have ever moved jobs at all. Then I remembered how utterly depressing my old job was, and being made redundant was actually less shitty. It’s all about perspective I guess. 

I also recently saw that my on off ex from last year has a “Facebook official” girlfriend. I feel like such a horrific loser even writing that 


But when we were together he made a big deal about not letting me write anything about us on any social media, he doesn’t know about this blog so, sorry not sorry! Ha. But, it did hurt to see it in black and white, all our mutual friends liking the post and commenting how wonderful it is. For a moment, I wondered if I still loved him and that’s why I was upset. But, it’s not that. It’s something even worse. I’m just jealous 

So many of my friends are engaged, married, have houses or are real adults. I have none of the above. It made me really wonder where I had gone wrong. I spent a lot of sleepless nights reflecting on poor decisions I’ve made; fucking around with people I shouldn’t, being a care free slutty girl. Part of me thinks well fuck it you’ve had fun and have some epic stories to tell, the other part of me thinks I’m a disgusting slut who needs to settle down and grow up. 

So, essentially what I think this post is trying to say, through mumbled ramblings, is that I really want and need to figure out what I want. Until I do that, I will be looking back and not forward and that’s shit

Love is a losing game 

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” Hermann Hesse

Shock horror; I didn’t manage to stick to my plan of writing on Mondays! But I felt it was high time to post something today! 

If you’ve read anything I’ve posted in the last few weeks you’ll know I started seeing my ex again. And as you’ll probably guess if you’d read anything I’ve ever written it didn’t work. If I’m completely honest, it was doomed from the start! 11 months on and off with two people who are utterly terrified of commitment, it was never going to last forever.  But that doesn’t mean this doesn’t hurt any less. 


The thing I was scared most about letting him in was getting hurt again, and I should have trusted my instinct really. I made the mistake of believing everything he said, believing him when he said he loved me and would do anything to make me happy. The reality was something entirely different. 


I guess there just comes a time when despite how you feel about someone, you have to view things from an outside perspective. I thought to myself; if this was my best friend would I let her put up with this shit? The answer was obviously no.

I spent a few days crying into a tub of Ben and Jerry’s watching romcoms and wondering why Chris Evans won’t fall in love with me. But then I put my best gladrags on, made my way to London to see my girls and had the best night out. I didn’t want to cry anymore or spend my time begging him to love me back. I think I might finally be getting somewhere. 

Girl power 

“One is not born a woman, but becomes one.” Simone De Beauvoir. 

I first came across this quote in my first year of university, a small lifetime ago now. I’d never heard of Simone De Beauvoir before and I’d certainly not given too much thought to feminism. Please don’t get me wrong; I grew up in 90’s Britain so I was a girl power spice girl lover, but I’d never really delved further than that. FYI- I was always baby spice. 


I’ve always led a pretty privileged lifestyle, and that’s not me bragging it’s a fact we’ve all had hardships in our life; but I’ve always had food on the table, clothes on my back and a family that adore me, so realistically I’ve not encountered that much adversity.  So, when I was asked to write an essay on whether I thought this quote was still applicable in today’s life; I found it really difficult but so incredibly interesting. 

As cliche as it sounds it opened my eyes to so many things I’ve never really thought about before, probably through naivety or ignorance. And since then I’ve always been interested in feminism and women’s rights 


It’s not something I really talk about a great deal; but last week I tweeted about it on my personal account. I was going to put my tweet on here, but I realised that kind of ruins anonymity so I’ve decided to just give the general outline of my tweet. I said that I felt it was crazy that this year is the first ever competitor for Saudi Arabia for the 100m. I DO think it’s crazy that in 2016 that’s a thing; how have we got to this point that this has never happened before, the Olympics has been around since 776BC! 

The tweet was viewed over 25,000 times, liked over 700 times and retweeted over 200!! 


I received a considerable amount of abuse from it; I’m apparently uncultured, racist, stupid and don’t understand what I’m talking about. My favourite insult included; white girls can’t talk about Muslim culture. I studied religion for years and also society, but that means nothing on social media. 

So; because I believe men and women should be equal, be paid the same amount for the same jobs, end child marraige, be treated fairly and equally that makes me a feminist. Well then I’m a feminist and proud! 

https://youtu.be/sZQ2RUFd54o
✌🏻

Tinderversairy 

“Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” Bob Marley
So today timehop cruelly reminded me it’s been a year since I had my first tinder date; which means I’ve been on tinder for about 13 months. And still very single. 


For the record; he didn’t pull a knife out on me, but the date was bloody awful. He didn’t drive so I had to pick him up from the train station, he immediately tried suffocate me with his face and looked nothing like his photos! It’s safe to say it wasn’t a winner; but it might have actually been the best thing I did last year. 

Signing up to tinder itself terrified me; it was like admitting I couldn’t find a boyfriend in the real world, and had to seek out strangers online. But, I did it because my friend met her boyfriend on it and it seemed like a good idea. And as much as I’m still single it made me realise I might not actually die alone. 


After that date I was scared for a while to even go near a male again, until I drank all that wine and shagged a colleague, another story another day. But it still gave me the confidence that someone actually fancied me; and that it was okay to date and be a bit slutty. 


I’d never really had that slutty stage that most people go through in their teens; I was too busy in a serious relationship planning our future together; the young are so naive. I mean please don’t get me wrong, I’m not shagging everything that walks towards me, but I am being a lot more carefree. Since that first tinder date, I’ve joined and left match.com, dated 4 people and sexted 3 (2 of which I’ve never met, the other one I had a one night stand with!) so really; what I’m trying to get at is, as cliche as it sounds, putting myself out there really was the best thing I could have ever done. 

Open wounds

Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt” Mark Twain. 

This quote makes me laugh everytime I read it, because it makes me think of someone snapping their fingers and saying mmhmm girlfriend 

If you read my last piece you’ll know I started seeing my ex again, and I was nervous I had fucked it up again. Update for you: we tried to make it work, it didn’t. 


We spent the majority of our weekend arguing with one another, about stupid things not even worth arguing over. I mean don’t get me wrong, our friendship was based on us abusing one another, and I have always enjoyed that, but when you change from friendship to more it can be harder to handle. 

We got to a point where all my friends couldn’t understand why I would want to be with him, because as much as I don’t like admitting it, he does treat me like shit sometimes. I made excuses for him, wanting to believe he liked me half as much as I did him, wanting to prove to everyone that I was right. I wasn’t. Cue me looking like an ostrich 


The reality is this; he is an even bigger emotional mess commitment phobe than I am, and sticking two of those people together is never going to work. But, he’s excellent at mind tricks; making me feel like he actually cares and that he wanted to be with me. He didn’t. He got what he was after, and I stupidly fell for the lies. 

I think the thing that worries me the most is how much this will affect me. Im even more terrified of emotions and relationships than I ever was before. I’ve remembered why I was so scared to begin with; the hurt of a breakup really is hideous. But, I know I’ll be okay in the end, we’ll never be friends again, that ship has sailed (I’m not sure you can ever be friends again after seeing each other naked! Another story for another day perhaps?!) 

One of my lovely fiends sent me this 


It made me realise as much as it hurts I am worth more and one day someone will love me, despite how much of a lunatic I am 💖

My own worst enemy! 

“Fears are nothing more than a state of mind” Napoleon Hill.  
I’ve tried writing this piece for about a week now; but for some reason just really struggled with it. But, I’ve decided in my hungover state to nail it today. 

If you’ve read anything I’ve written before you’ll know I have an irrational fear of love. Well not love itself, but the attachment that goes with it. I’m so scared to let people close to me, that I tend to self sabotage every single relationship I have. 


But I recently started talking to someone I dated earlier in the year.  https://littleonelostblog.wordpress.com/2016/01/26/more-lost-than-ever/

We’ve been friends forever and I’d forgotten how much I like him, both as a friend and someone I want to be with. I fucked it up before, by getting drunk, so naturally what did I do this time?! The same. 


We had a really great date Friday night, and I went home with my cheeks actually hurting because I was smiling so hard. So I just can’t understand why I feel the need to fuck things up every time! I’m literally my own worst enemy, and I don’t even know how to get over it. 

I don’t let anyone close enough to hurt me, I’m very good at keeping up my barriers, but I don’t want to do that with him, I actually want to let him in. I want to be with him and try to overcome my emotionally vunrability. But, I just don’t know if he’ll forgive me and if he doesn’t I don’t think I’ll forgive myself. Who knows?! 

Another one bites the dust 

You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space. Johnny Cash

After my awful date on Friday, I had been doing the awfully adult thing of ignoring the guy, and deleting all of his texts. Yes I’m aware this is ridiculous, and I should have stopped being a pussy, but I was scared. Today he text me again, and it made me realise I had to let him go. 

    

I feel awful. I’m not even really sure why. It’s not like I’ve broken his heart, we’ve literally been dating for a month or so. I’d like to hope everyone feels a bit guilty deep down when this happens, even when you know it’s the best for everyone involved. 

    

I think the reason I’ve been so affected is becauss I feel like I’m back at square one. I find it so hard to let people in, that I don’t want to let go to those I have. I went for a coffee with my oldest friend, and she reminded me that I’m only 24, and if we’re still having this conversation in 20 years, that’s when she’ll begin to worry about me actually dying alone. She’s also promised to buy me a puppy if this happens, so either way I’ll be onto a winner.